Support Systems - A True Lifeline

In 2012, I was pregnant with my second child. Some of my friends knew the scary drama that came with this pregnancy because I was open about it, I needed the support and their tefilot helped give me strength. 

One friend called me up and asked if I could give her friend, Emma*, strength. I said she should definitely give Emma my number. Emma never called.

A month later, I was standing in shul and I thought I saw her. I wasn't sure, since we weren't friends, but decided to be bold and walk over and introduce myself.

"Hi, you're Emma, right? You were supposed to call me about fertility stuff?"

"Yes, I know, but I figured that you are already pregnant, so how would you be able to help me?"

"Well, getting pregnant wasn't easy for me, it was really hard with different treatments, many failures..."

interrupts me

"Well, I have no problems GETTING pregnant, its just keeping the pregnancies. I have gotten pregnant 5 times already, and I bleed out by week 9 or 10."

In hindsight, I now know why Hashem had her WAIT to reach out to me. 

You see, for the two years prior to that moment I was a dedicated member to an online fertility support community called fertilitycommunity.com (I think they changed their name at this point). The Thursday before this chance meeting in shul, I was reading a thread by a virtual friend about how she had a blood clotting disorder, and that once she gets pregnant she has to take blood thinners in order not to clot and bleed out the pregnancy.

I told Emma to ask her doctors about this at her next visit. She said she was meeting with Maternal Fetal Medicine on Monday. I was surprised, since I thought they only dealt with women once pregnant, but didn't want to overstep. She said she would call me on Monday after her appointment.

On Monday she called to say MFM told her they couldn't help her, but she should see an RE. (What I expected) But she wanted to stay in touch with me.

The following year she called me again, she had mentioned to her new RE about the blood thinners and the next time she would get pregnant they would start the blood thinners, like we were hoping. Good, a new protocol, new hope.

I told her I was supposed to have a frozen transfer on Monday. She said she was scheduled for Friday. Did I need a ride to my transfer. YES! (You see, I didn't like having anyone in the room with me so I could focus on staying relaxed, so my husband wasn't going to drive me.) Emma volunteered to drive me and my 7 month old baby, drop me off and babysit while I had the transfer and then drive me home. It was perfect.

I was so grateful that on the way home I gave her a bracha "In the merit of you driving me to my transfer, may your transfer be successful." AMEN!

I went in for my beta, it was positive, so was hers.
My numbers doubled, so did hers.
I had two sacks, so did she.
I had two heartbeats, so did she.

Every Tuesday she would call me since Tuesdays were her appointment days. I would talk her through things and give her a sense of calm. She said she wouldn't get excited until she made it passed her first trimester without bleeding out. That day came and went and we were both so relieved. 

Having a fertility buddy is such a help and comfort to both, to compare notes and know you are not going crazy. We were both on bed rest, both cervix shrinking, and the babies were born one week apart. Each of us has a set of twins: a boy and girl. These 4 kids have no idea that they were connected way before they came out of the womb, and their mother and I are forever connected. FFF - Fertility Friends Forever.

* Name was changed to protect the innocent.

Unexplained Infertility - Pros and Cons

I remember going to my first appointment with my R.E. (Reproductive Endocrinologist) It was a cold winter day in September of 2008. I was 32 years old, married for a year and felt it was time to JUST CHECK if everything was ok. 

Here is what I did know:

• My cycles came like clockwork
• I ovulated on the halachically appropriate day (and if I did ovulate a day or two earlier, I had a psak from a Rabbi on how to handle the clean days vs. bleeding days)
• My mom had no trouble conceiving (granted she was about 23 when she got married and was done having kids by 28.)

My husband took the morning off of work since we BOTH needed to be present. Our appointment was around 11am. We took a cab from our apartment on the Upper West Side cross town to Cornell Reproductive to see a doctor who was very successful with helping people I knew. I was nervous, I looked over at my husband who didn't say anything and was stoic. 

I realized something. I knew we both wanted to have a family, but I didn't really ASK him if he was ok that WE, yes, BOTH of us were going to get checked out. You see, I am a "take the bull by the horns" type of person. If I have a thought in my head, I move heaven and earth until that thought is settled in my mind. I knew I wanted us to get checked out, so I called, made an appointment and THEN told him he was coming with me so we could find answers. I think my "take control" attitude was one of the things he loved about me, so his silence meant he was "in for the ride ahead."

We sat in the long waiting room and saw tons of chasidish looking couples and a sprinkling of secular and non-Jews coming out of doors and leaving. Lots of people coming in and out. I kept looking at the doors, when will they call MY name?

Finally, I was greeted by the administrative assistant who handed me a THICK booklet of questions to fill out, and I filled them out while my husband read a sports magazine. We were here at my insistence, so why make him fill things out?

Once the paperwork was done, we went to meet the doc. He took a medical history of me, and then took one of my husband. He explained we would then take blood from me, do an ultrasound of my ovaries and also require a "sample" from my husband. I assumed since I was the older one in our relationship that there would be nothing wrong with him. 

They took our blood and my husband's sample and took me to a room for my ultrasound. I was in shock that they asked me to remove everything from the waist down. Weren't ultrasounds done through the abdomen? When there is no baby inside they want to check your uterine lining and ovaries and do so with  a "trans-vaginal ultrasound wand." Basically, a phallic looking wand that they insert into your vaginal cavity. 

I was tense from the meeting and now even more tense from this "wand." When they looked on the screen, and i looked as well, I had no clue what I was looking at. (Remember that Friends episode where Rachel and Ross get to see their baby and she says "I don't see it!" It was like that.)

 So, I asked "what are we looking at, and what are we looking for?" They were looking to see if I had any ovarian cysts and if my endometrial lining was at the right thickness for that time in my cycle. He reassured me it looked great.

We came back a week later when the blood work and semen analysis results were ready. Bloodwork was perfect on both of us, my reproductive organs were great, my levels showed I would make an abundance of eggs, all seemed GREAT. There was one small issue, but the doctor didn't seem nervous. My husband had a few abnormal heads and tails in his "sample" but the volume he produced was so large that those wouldn't cause a problem with us.

Our diagnosis? They can't put their finger on anything wrong so it Unexplained Infertility. 

Great, there is nothing wrong with me. 

What the future would teach me is that sometimes I would hope for a specific problem because with unexplained, they try different protocols out on you and see what works. If you have  a specific issue they know how to resolve, the road is much smoother. But I would only learn that later on after 2 miscarriages under my belt.

"Well, That's Suspicious..."

I know I have been away for a couple of years, but thanks to an influx of wonderful people in my life looking for strength in anonymous corners of Modern Orthodoxy I am beginning to realize how important it is to be out and proud of being a traveler on the road of infertility.

So I am back, hopefully with more posts to come, but this one is a long time coming.


A couple of years ago my mother was sitting in shul on a regular shabbos. The Rabbi got up to announce the mazal tovs when something happened.

"Mazal tov to the Stern family on the birth of twin grandchildren, a boy and a girl, to their children who live in California."

A woman sitting down the row from my mother whispered to her neighbor "Well, that's suspicious!" My mother, involved in every step of my fertility journey, and not shy to involve herself in situations she thinks are wrong, leaned over to this woman and said "I'm not sure what you mean?" The woman replied "Well, it is their second set of twins, maybe they had... HELP." My mother said "and... G-d gave doctors the knowledge to circumvent the issue of infertility with many types of Assisted Reproductive Technologies. When we were having kids, if you couldn't have them naturally you were forced to adopt or give up on motherhood. What a bracha that families are growing by such methods. It is not suspicious, it is a miracle."

That's my mom!

Lately people have been telling me about how insensitive people are to their suffering of infertility. It is true that no one has any idea what each individual goes through, most of the time the reason for the insensitivity is ignorance.

• People may not know that you are suffering when they say hello to you and immediately look to see if you have a growing belly underneath your shirt.
• People may not realize that there is more to it that "just relax and it will happen."
• People may not know that today is the due date of the baby you miscarried.
• People may not know how long you cried in the prep room at the mikveh last night.

There are organizations that are starting to be created to help people, Rabbis, Rebetzins know how to TALK to people going through infertility. But unless you have been in the throws of it, you can't blame people for their ignorance, you need to educate them. Think about how in the dark you were when you began this process. If you are sensitive to people just not realizing, they will learn in a nice way how not to alienate you in the future and perhaps become your greatest champions.

This is a great list of things for others to know about in talking with people going through infertility:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

Simple Rules For Navigating Through Your Journey

I received a phone call last night from a woman I don't know. 

She got my name from the woman who taught me laws of Taharat Hamishpacha (laws of family purity) before I got married. I had called my "kallah teacher" many times when I needed to know when to go to mikveh in this process, and since this was all new to her, we were learning together. 

I was very open with my teacher about my struggles, so when other women came to her with scientific questions, not halachic, she would call me. I would ask her initial questions about the woman, many questions she would not know the answers to, so we decided to just pass my number along to any woman going through this.

After chatting with this woman last night, I realized there are a few simple rules I want people to know in order to make their time count. Time is such a precious commodity in the land of infertility since we are dealing with our biological clocks, and losing patience of having to wait... and wait... and wait...

So, here goes:

Rules of Navigating YOUR Journey:

1. YOU are your best advocate
• No one wants whats best for you more than you do - so YOU must fight for YOU.
• If you want to be more aggressive in your treatment, ASK FOR IT
• Whats the worst they can say? No? And if that's the answer, your response is "WHY?"
• It's your money - you are the customer, and the customer is ALWAYS right
2. Trust your gut:
• If you find a doctor who doesn't give you an answer you like, go for a second opinion. You have to be happy with your doctor and trust in them, so find one you like.
• If you don't like the nurse assigned to your case, ask for a change - she will be the person you speak to most often and you need her to be your partner in this process.
3. TALK TO PEOPLE (most daunting but most important) 
• It doesn't have to be face to face, but there are support groups, online forums, blogs and even people like me who are open to hearing your story. Many have gone through similar situations of trial and error and can arm you with great questions and protocols to ask about so that you don't have to waste time, and your doctor will know you are educated. 
• Everyone's experience is different, but people may have similarities and can help you with suggestions or just give you hope.
• A support system is most important - besides your husband/partner, sometimes having someone outside of you two is a wonderful outlet to have as a sounding board and can be very therapeutic.

Be strong, don't lose faith... persevere. 

Frum and Infertility

An introduction:

I decided to write a blog about being frum and dealing with infertility because too many women who are praying for children go through this road alone, ashamed and silent. This sisterhood of women has been silent for too long. I personally have been very open with my own journey, but I remember the shame and embarrassment I kept inside when I began this journey 5 years ago.

Besides struggling with infertility, there is an added pressure or sense of failure when you are going through this in the realm of being an orthodox couple dreaming of the longed for "Jewish family." Every shabbos meal you go to, every pregnant person you see, you wonder - when will it be my turn? The peering eyes, and whispers behind your back "They have been married for how long and have no kids? I wonder why?"

I totally understand where you are coming from, and I hope that this blog will bring my readers some hope, chizzuk and (if needed) an education on fertility issues. This is my personal story and my travels through success and (many) failures. 

I am not a doctor, just a woman who dreamed to be called "mommy" and I'm here as your sister and sounding board so that you don't have to travel this road alone...